June 26, 2020

The Little Years

For every sleepless night, there's a tiny hand cupped around my cheek.

For every meltdown, "I just love you, Mommy."

For every assault by baby fingernails, there is a strawberry scented head nestled on my chest. 

For every refusal to eat anything but cheese and carbs, I find a new trick buried in my sleeve. 

For every bite stolen, there are those delicious cheeks.

For every bump, bulge, and wrinkle; "Mommy, you're so beautiful." 

The little years wear you down, just to build you up anew. 

June 23, 2020

20/20 Vision in 2020

If there is one thing that 2020 has taught me, it’s this: The world is not a safe place. To scratch the surface, I’ll list a few things that have happened this year and it’s not even half way over. My dad had a heart attack. A tornado swept down my sister’s street and busted her window. A pandemic turned our world upside down. I experienced my first panic attack. Racism still runs rampant and eyes, including my own, are opened. It has been a hell of a year. Leave it to the year 2020 to give us 20/20 vision of the kind of world we live in. 

2020 has also forced us to do introspective work. We have had to face our issues as we rewire our lives around the pandemic and unlearn racial prejudices that have plagued our own hearts due to the systems in our society. On top of that, add the personal trials each one of us is facing, and we have learned probably more than we care to know about our own hearts. But this is so necessary. We must look at our hearts and learn from what we see. We must look squarely upon: 

Our control issues
Our judgmental issues
Our defensiveness issues 
Our selfishness issues
Our marriage issues
Our insecurity issues
Our financial irresponsibility issues 
Our relational issues 
Our apathy issues
Our hypocritical issues
Our blame issues 
Our anger issues
Our honesty issues
Our integrity issues
Our unforgiveness issues
Our independence issues
Our discontentment issues
Our jealousy issues

Shall I keep going? Can anyone look at her heart and and say that she is good? Like really, truly good, in every way?  I don’t mean good compared to the person next to you. I mean simply good. 

I’m not. I need a Savior. And I am thankful for times that make me remember that. I’m not above needing the reminder.

The only way for Him to be my Savior is for Him to be my Lord. I can’t simply say “Hey, thanks for dying for me!” Nothing changes then. I have to surrender. I have to surrender everything that feels natural to me (being in control, blaming others, being selfish, being defensive… you get the point) to be saved from a heart that is simply not good. 

Eyes have been opened. Now what are we going to do with what we see?